Heero deepens the kiss suddenly and slowly pushes Trowa down to a supine position. Trowa returns the kiss and pulls Heero closer to him. Heero smiles to himself as he lets his hand roam over Trowa's bare chest while the other reaches inside Trowa's pants.
"Heero!" Trowa's eyes snap open in surprise. "Heero, stop! Hee-" Heero silences him with his lips and swallows what Trowa has meant to say. Trowa tries to turn his head away while his hands attempt to push Heero off him. Heero kisses Trowa even harder, his caresses becoming rougher as he pinches and squeezes Trowa.
"Heero! NO!!!" Trowa finally manages to squirm out from underneath Heero and falls onto the carpeted floor with a thud. He quickly buttons up his shirt and zips up his pants. "I told you no Heero," There is a tremor in his voice as Trowa tries to keep his composure.
Heero regards Trowa silently before stepping forward suddenly and grabbing Trowa again, giving him a bruising kiss before releasing him and throwing him roughly onto the couch. "Why?!" Heero demands in a low voice. "How long have we been together already? Every time ... every time we do this, you have to say no. How long is this gonna go on?!" Heero kicks at the coffee table angrily and sends it flying toward the wall, shattering it in the process.
Trowa looks up and forces himself to meet Heero's angry stare. Trying to pacify an angry Heero is one of the hardest things to do in the world. "I've told you," he says softly. "I'm not ready yet."
"Not ready?!" Heero clenches his fists so hard that his knuckles are white. "Just how much longer do you have to wait?! Who the hell are you saving yourself up for anyway?!"
"Heero I-"
"Shut up! I don't want to listen to anymore of this bullshit!" Heero storms over to the door and opens it. "Get out! Get the hell outta my sight!"
Trowa glances at the door silently and stands up. "I'm sorry if you don't want to trust me." He picks up his jacket and walks out.
"Ninmu Ryoukai," Heero turns off the computer and starts to get ready right away. Trowa watches him silently from the side. Heero has not talked with him after that day. Trowa knows that Heero had been very angry with him. Without another word Trowa turns on his heels and leaves the room. He cannot worry think about that now; the mission comes first.
Trowa leans back against the wall and closes his eyes. He still cannot believe that he has been captured. It is a stupid mistake on his part, a mistake that someone as experienced as he is should not have made. Trowa knows that he should have been more alert when he found the security to be more lax than expected. Trowa has been way too confident about himself.
Trowa pays no heed even when the gate of the cell is thrown open. He knows what those officers are coming in here for-- to question him and find out where he has hidden the mobile suit and what other kind of damage he has incurred on the base. Trowa decides that he will keep quiet no matter what happens. After all, he reasons, Heero's probably out there getting himself killed trying to get his job done; therefore he, Trowa, should also carry out his mission. He cannot give in now.
"One of those rebel colonists again. They just don't know when to quit." The head officer grabbed Trowa by the collar and throws him onto the chair next to the questioning table. "Now I think you know what we are here for right? So maybe if you give us what we're looking for, we may be more lenient on you."
Trowa remains quiet, his eyes focusing on the all across from him. "Listen up you brat!" The man pulls him by the hair. "Ya gonna be sorry if you don't start talking soon." Trowa only gazes back at him coldly. Threats never work on him. "Why you ..." The man raises his fist and punches Trowa across the face, sending him sprawling onto the ground. He pulls Trowa up again. "Now, are you going to cooperate or not?"
"......Go to Hell."
The head officer gives a low growl and is about to strike again when another officer steps in and restrains him. "Hey hey hey, why get your hands dirty over a little brat?" The officer says soothingly before stepping away from the door. Trowa's eyes widen slightly upon seeing the figure standing behind the officer. "This is our new recruit," the man gestures with a devious smile on his face. "I say we let him do the dirty work."
"What have you got in mind there, Stevens?" The head officer does not seem so mad now.
"You'll see. It'll work most definitely," the grinning man leans down and whispers something into Heero's ear. Trowa feels a shiver down his spine when he sees a disturbed look in Heero's eyes, but the trace of hesitation is gone from Heero as soon as they appeared. Trowa does not like it at all.
Heero is not sure how to approach the situation as the officer gives him the order. He has never been trained to handle such a situation and Heero does not want to do that to Trowa, not in public under the scrutiny and jeers of the OZ, but a mission is a mission, and mission always comes first.
Trowa swallows hard as he sees Heero approaching. There is no emotions in those eyes. They are cold, the eyes of a perfect soldier. Trowa has not even the time to blink as Heero grabs a fistful of his hair slams him hard against the wall, knocking the wind out of him and leaving Trowa dazed for a few moments. Heero uses that opportunity to lean down and lick away the blood at the corner of Trowa's lips. Trowa stiffens, this is not the kiss that Heero has always given him, it is too impersonal and disturbing. However, before Trowa can react, Heero has pressed him onto the ground, pinning him under and kissing him hard on the lips, bruising them and make them bleed once more.
*No...this is not happening...* Trowa starts to struggle. He is not sure if Heero is doing this because he really has no choice, or if Heero is using this opportunity to get what he wants. Trowa bites down on Heero's lips but in return only earns a good hard punch in the stomach, temporarily cutting the air off him.
Heero grabs at the fabric of Trowa's turtleneck and rips it open. He knows that he has to keep going or else he may hesitate and arouse suspicions. Heero starts to nip at the exposed flesh as roughly as he can so that the marks of damage can be visible. Trowa's fingers curl into fist and he lashes out at Heero. Heero catches Trowa by the wrist and pins him down again, his own hand gripping Trowa's wrist so tightly that it almost crushes his bones. Heero then quickly uses the scraps from Trowa's turtleneck to tie up his wrists in a secured knot. Trowa tries to kick Heero away but his action only gives Heero the opportunity of seizing his legs and parting them wide so that he may kneel between them.
Trowa can hardly believe that this is going to happen to him, to be ravished in the public this way, under the leers and laughter of the enemies. He tries to buck Heero off him only to find that Heero is much stronger than he.
In one swift movement, Heero pulls down Trowa's jeans along with the last of the his garment underneath. Heero knows that he will have to be swift about this. He cannot help but feel guilty for what he is about to do. It is true that he wants Trowa, and that he has been angry at Trowa for his celibacy; but Heero does not want to take Trowa this way, not in the way that it'll cause him pain and humiliations.
Heero steels his resolves and shuts out his emotions as he pushes Trowa's legs up to his chest. Then Heero unzips his own pants and pulls out his member. He can see the silent plea in Trowa's eyes, a plea that no one but Heero can read. Heero's expression hardens as he thrusts into Trowa, his mouth covering Trowa's as he does so.
Trowa shuts his eyes tightly as the pain hits him. It hurts so much. There has never been anything that hurts so much that it threatens to tear him apart and rip him in two. Trowa restrains himself from crying out in pain as Heero silences him once more with his kiss. However, physical pain is not the one that hurts Trowa the most, what hurts is the very meaning of being defiled by someone he cared for, by someone he has trusted. Trowa has ceased to fight as he lays limp on the ground, feeling his body being rocked by the thrusts.
Heero feels something building up inside him. He knows that he should be angry at himself but instead he finds himself being slowly overcome by the sensation of pleasure, physical pleasure that comes with an indescribable and painful feeling of extreme guilt and shame. Heero pulls out a little and thrusts inside again before releasing inside Trowa. Then, he pulls out in one swift motion.
*My god ... he's ... bleeding ...* The realization hits Heero hard as he sees just how much he has hurt Trowa, but there is no time for apology now.
"Where did you hide the mobile suit, and what other damage have you incurred?" Heero's voice is cold and without remorse. Trowa feels numb inside, completely numb and eaten away by the pain. He turns his head away, not wanting to meet Heero's gaze.
"...Second floor, third sector." He replies softly. From the other corner of the room, the men laugh and cheer. Little do they know that what Trowa has just said is a lie. Without another glance or second thought, they leave the cell in a group, forgetting completely about their new recruit.
Heero zips himself up and picks up his weapon before slowly untying Trowa. Heero then turns on his heels and steps out of the cell, locking the gate behind him. Trowa will have to stay there until he has completed the rest of the mission. No matter how this mission turns out, Heero knows that things will never be the same between them.
Trowa has not spoken with Heero after the mission. The mission has been a success as they transported the new mobile suit back to the hideout into the hands of the professors. While Heero spends most of his time alone fixing his gundam, Trowa locks himself either inside his room or inside of the cockpit.
Trowa reaches for a towel blindly after having washed his face. He feels someone handing it to him. He grabs on to it and mumbles a word of thanks. He wipes his face and looks up to find Heero watching him.
"What are you doing here?" There is no emotions in his voice, not even anger. The very indifference that is evident in Trowa's voice tells Heero that this confrontation will not be an easy one. Trowa buttons up the top button of his shirt self-consciously and sits down warily.
"It's ... about our last mission."
"It was a success," Trowa turns on the computer on the table and starts to look for instructions on any upcoming missions. "All thanks to you."
"No, I wasn't talking about that," Heero knows that Trowa is avoiding the issue. The acidity in Trowa's tone cuts him like a thousand knives. As difficult as this will be, they will have to deal with it sooner or later. "About what happened at the cell..."
"You did what you have to do," Heero can see Trowa stiffening involuntarily. "Everything is fine now."
"No it's not," Heero clenches his fists. This is much harder than he thought. "You ... you don't act the same anymore. You shut yourself out even more now and you..."
"I just don't have much to say." There is a tremor in Trowa's voice. Heero cannot see his face but he can tell that Trowa is struggling to maintain his composure.
"Trowa I-"
"What more do you want to say?!" Trowa bursts out suddenly. "That you're sorry? Why bother? It's what you wanted wasn't it?! " Trowa looks as if he is about to say more but he stops just in time and look away. "I would like to be alone right now Heero." He hugs himself and shivers after Heero leaves the room. Trowa knows that Heero did it for the mission, but a part of him refuses to let go. He knows that the problem is not Heero, but himself.
The new mission is an extremely dangerous one. Again he and Trowa have been assigned to work together. Heero reads the instructions one more time before deleting it completely from the data bank.
"Ninmu ryoukai ..." Heero will go through with the mission alone, he is not going to let Trowa get hurt again.
Trowa pours himself a cup of coffee and walks back to the couch to read the morning newspaper. Things have been extremely quiet lately, almost too quiet.
"Damn! That idiot!!" Duo pounds his fists on the table. "I can't believe this!!" The long-haired pilot shakes his head in disbelief. Trowa figures that Duo must be talking about Heero but cannot understand why Duo is making such a big deal out of him.
"Trowa, aren't you supposed on the mission?" Duo has his hands on his hips. He definitely looks angry.
"...Mission ... ?"
"Shit! Don't tell me you don't know about it! You're supposed to be on the same mission with Heero!!" Duo paces back and forth, worried. "Something's got to be wrong. Heero should've come back from the mission by now. I can't ... I can't believe he erased the data. Damn! He should know to keep a backup of all the mission's instructions. Especially one as danger as this one!!"
An alarm goes off in Trowa's head. Heero has meant for him not go on this mission. "Where is he?" Trowa demands. "Do you know where?"
"I know the location but I don't have the specific instructions -"
"WHERE IS HE?!!" Trowa knows that he only has himself to blame, but this is not the time to think of that right now. Duo blinks.
"Okay okay! Calm down Trowa. This is so unlike you." Duo gets out a piece of paper and starts to draw a rough map. "Here. I think he's here but I'm not sure what the instructions are. It's got something to do with stealing the data for their mobile suit project and destroying their supply channel. It's one of the most well-guarded bases."
Trowa studies at the blueprint of the map, memorizing it as he contemplates how to get to Heero and accomplishes the mission at the same time. There is something about the way the map is drawn that is bothering him, but Trowa does not care about that right now.
"Look Trowa," Duo says in an unusually serious tone. "I don't know what's going on between the two of you. I don't know the specifics but I do know that something unpleasant happened the last time you two went on a mission. But whatever Heero did to you, he did it because he had to. Trust me, I've known him longer than you have. I know all about the shit he pulls on people," Duo shrugs. "Sure, he's obsessive and stubborn as hell, but he won't do anything to hurt you. You should know how much he cares about you." Duo shakes his head and forces out a smile. "You don't know how lucky you are in that respect. Well anyway," he shrugs again. "I think I'm done with my lecture. Now get the hell outta here. Heero needs you."
Heero coughs painfully as he tries to maintain an upright position. He has completely underestimated the security system at this base. Heero knows that he is in extremely bad shape, but that's all right because he has already completed most of the mission. All that remained to be done is to press the button that will destroy the supply channel. In the past, Heero would have cared less if he died in his mission, but this time, he is determined to make it back alive. He cannot die until he has resolve the difference between the one person that matters to him the most.
Heero brings up his wrist to his mouth and licks away at the blood. It'll be a matter of time before the guards find the blood and follow him here but that is the only way to get out of this labyrinth. The map provided by his data system is wrong, not to mention that Heero finds himself being ambushed upon arriving at this place. This is a setup from the OZ. Good thing he has decided not to let Trowa come along, he cannot drag Trowa into this mess with him, even if it is a mission. After all, what difference does it make as long as the job is done?
He steps away into the shadow as he hears people approaching. Heero gets out his gun quietly and counts the bullets. He only has several left. That means he will have to use them sparingly. Heero knows that he can probably take all of those men down, kill them all with his own hands and leaves one alive enough to lead him out of this place. All that will require good timing; and Heero needs it right now, because his loss of blood is not helping the situation any.
As the men turn around the corner, Heero lashes out. He kicks at one of them and hears the officer's ribs crack and fracture upon the impact. Heero then turns around in time and finishes off the other officer. He hesitates for a moment when he feels his vision blurring in front of him, and that's all the time the remaining two officers need to knock him down.
"Move and I'll blow your head off," the gun is pointed at him. Heero knows from the situation and his current health condition that the chance of him escaping is getting slimmer. He eyes each of the officers cautiously, trying to find a glitch somewhere so that he may do something to take them by surprise. "Lemme rephrase that. I'll blow BOTH of your heads off." The men laugh crudely at joke.
"It must be our lucky day today. A gundam pilot falling right into our hands." The first man gets down on one knee cautiously. "Imagine the amount of reward we'll get outta that." He caresses Heero's face and moves lower.
"Yeah, but of course, we should probably make a thorough use of him first." The other man nods his head at the idea. "We can chain him up and put him on display."
"Over my dead body," Heero's expression darkens and in a swift movement, his foot kicks out at the gun, sending it flying across the hallway. While the officer scrambles to get his lost gun, the other one pulls out his. Then there is the sound of a shot.
The man's eyes widen slightly and falls forward onto the ground. Heero opens his eyes upon hearing the sound and finds the officer dead on the ground. He turns around. Behind him, stands Trowa.
Trowa lowers the gun and breathes an inward sigh of relief. Has he come one second later, he would have lost Heero forever. "You should've told me," Trowa puts Heero's arm over his shoulder and slowly leads him down the hallway.
"You know the way out?" Heero changes the subject.
Trowa nods. "I stole the correct blueprint of the base," he turns right at the corner. "they hadn't expected an appearance of another gundam pilot." Trowa freezes when he hears a click behind him.
"NO!" Heero turns around and pushes Trowa out of the way. There is a deafening sound of a shot being fired. In confusion, Trowa pulls out his gun and fires. The bullet makes its mark into the officer's heart.
"Heero?" Heero is slumped against the wall. He is sitting upright but his head is tilted forward. Trowa gets down on his knees, his heart pounding. His eyes widen as he sees Heero's tank top stains by a growing patch of red. Trowa tries to feel his pulse and finds that Heero's heart is barely beating. "No..." Trowa lifts the unconscious Heero up and carries him down the hall as quickly as he can. Trowa knows that if Heero dies, he will never be able to forgive himself.
Trowa opens his eyes as soon as he catches himself dozing off. He reprimands himself for being so insensitive. It's way past midnight already but he is still keeping watch on Heero. The doctor has said that though Heero is not in any grave danger, he has been greatly injured. Trowa reaches out to hold Heero's hand but pulls back at the last moment. He has no right to do that. Not after what he has made Heero gone through. Heero has taken the bullet that was meant for him.
Trowa stands up silently. He should leave this room and leave Heero alone. Trowa does not want Heero to see him here. He has no right to see Heero, not after what he has put Heero through because of his insecurity. Trowa has known all this time that Heero did what he did in the cell because he had no choice, but Trowa's pride and insecurity got the better of him. Trowa sighs. He does not deserve Heero.
Trowa studies the sleeping face on the bed. Heero looks so delicate this way, not a single bit like the cold perfect soldier he appears to be. It is rather strange that they are so alike, perhaps it has been this likeness that drawn them together in the first place. Trowa tenderly brushes a lock of Heero's hair away from his face. He then turns around silently, ready to leave.
"Leaving so soon?" A hand grabs onto Trowa's and he turns around in surprise to find Heero smiling at him. Has he been awake all this time?
Ignoring the pain of his bullet wounds, Heero tightens his grip on Trowa and sits up on his bed. He knows that he will have to confront Trowa about what happened at their last mission; and now is the best time to talk about it, especially when Trowa is on a guilt trip.
"Sit down Trowa," Trowa wants to decline but when he sees the determinations in Heero's eyes, he concedes. "There's something we need to sort out."
Trowa swallows hard but agrees anyway. He has to stop avoiding the issue. "Everything's fine Heero."
"No it's not," Heero still refuses to let go of Trowa's hand. "I know what I did was wrong. I really am sorry." Heero stops. This is harder than he thought. "but I did do it because I have to. You have to believe me."
"I do believe you," Trowa replies in a soft voice. "It wasn't your fault." He sighs. "You're the first person I've really trusted, and I don't want to be betrayed." Trowa looks at Heero, trying to read what Heero is thinking and fails. "I grew up with the mercenaries. It wasn't the most pleasant thing in the world to be around all those older men who were always waiting for a chance to pounce on you. I slept with a gun in my hand just for that purpose."
"Trowa..."
"I've seen too much..." Trowa clenches his fists again. He does not like to tell someone how he feels, especially not in details. It makes him feel vulnerable.
Heero listens to what Trowa has to say silently. Finally understanding why Trowa is not ready all this time, of the fear he has to face when he was younger. "I'm sorry Trowa," Heero says gravely as he turns his face away. "if I've known I wouldn't have pushed it ... and I would've thought of some other way in the cell rather than-"
"It doesn't matter now," Trowa manages a smile. "it's in the past. Let's just forget about it. Everything. Every unpleasant thing."
Heero nods in response. The two sit in awkward silence for a few moments longer. "I'll let you rest now," Trowa stands up abruptly.
"I don't think so," Heero tightens his grasp on Trowa's hand and pulls him suddenly, causing Trowa to lose balance and falls back onto the bed. Heero rolls over on top of him, trapping him there.
"You need your rest," Trowa says in a low voice. "I told you I'm fine."
"I know it's not fine. You're far from being all right." Heero secure his grip on Trowa. Trowa's eyes meet Heero's defiantly in return, wanting to stare him down.
"Let me deal with it. It's my problem." It's best to just bury the incident deep in the memory.
"No." Heero's hand caresses Trowa's face gently. "You're just going to deny it and then something will always be between us."
Trowa turns his face away. It's not that he does not want to get over it; but that he has not the courage to deal with it. Nothing like this has happened to him before. His training in the mercenary has not taught him of this, of the price one must pay in being able to feel and act on one's feelings.
"I want things to be back to the way they were," Heero says in a soft voice. "I want you to trust me."
Trowa knows that Heero is waiting for a response from him. He also knows that it is easy for him to refuse Heero's offer, but the price to pay for that will be far more than he can ever imagine. Trowa pushes aside all his doubt and for once decides that he will make a leap of faith. It's time to leave that unpleasant memory behind. "You'll have to help me with it." He closes his eyes.
"Ninmu ryoukai," Heero slowly unbuttons Trowa's shirt and waits. Trowa hesitates for a moment before he reaches out with trembling hands and starts to unbutton Heero's shirt.
"Heero ..." Trowa sees the bandage on Heero's body and hesitates. "You sure you're up to it?"
"Let's find out then," Heero grins down at him. It is a genuine grin, one in which Heero only shows to Trowa. It's strange how Trowa never quite realize that before. Of all the people that are around them, Heero only shows concern and opens himself up to him. Heero has revealed nothing of himself to anyone else, not even to Relena or to his superior. Trowa knows that Heero has also taken a leap of faith, when he decides that he will become closer to Trowa than a friend would have done so.
"Am I scaring you?" Trowa shakes his head, though he is not so certain inside. "This won't work unless you try also." Heero says gravely in his monotone. Trowa nods in response.
"I'll try." He pulls Heero on top of him and kisses him. At first the incident in the cell threatens to send him into hysterics and withdrawal again but Trowa pushes it away. He can do it, it's no harder than completing a mission. If he could be emotionless in the past, it should not be difficult to deal with such an obstacle.
"It's not easy," As if reading Trowa's mind, Heero speaks up in the dark. One becomes vulnerable when he starts to feel and know the meaning of emotions. Heero slowly runs his hand down Trowa's side, this time tenderly and delicately, as if afraid that he will crush the taller pilot if he is not careful. Unlike last time and before, Heero takes his time with every touch and every caress. No more roughness and urgency this time, only gentleness and care.
Trowa closes his eyes and pushes away all the fear and pain and betrayal that remain in his mind. He cannot let them get in the way now. Heero is worth more than those unpleasant memories in the cell. He responds to every touch and every caress with a passion and emotions that he has not known that exist in him. They move together, like a dancing couple moving to a melody made only specifically because of love and forgiveness and overcoming of fear.
When the pain comes again, it is not the pain of violation, but one that Trowa welcomes, one with a completely different meaning, one that promises the end of fear and a new beginning.